VBOX7

thank God we can choose our friends

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone ******s in

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.