kotkata11
смехотии-
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
God gave us our relatives;
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone ******s in
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.


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